Love Bully

I’m a love bully
So I take my place.
I come to the pool
And squeeze in the space,
In between your hands 
Cuffed on your little waist. 

Yes I do love it.
Your disgusted face.
Not at butt,
But all at yourself
You don’t even see me,
Not because I’m blessed,
But cause you’re obsessed,
With the way you are,
Delicious ass breasts,
That you don’t see far…
Beyond.

But you don’t see it,
How we all do,
Everyone looking,
Wants to fuck or be you!
But you can’t let go,
Of what hurts you the most.
So you’re trapped with me,
Trauma bonding, 
We toast.

To love and freedom, 
Please 🙏🏿 I beg 
You could love the real me,
But really I see, 
How my love just let you be,
Not one who could ever understand me.

And know I feel so scared and guilty
Cause you never really did love me. 
As I digest the pain,
You spit in my mouth,
And karma told me to spit it back to you! 

A roommate from a few years ago told me about how their therapist would encourage them to freestyle for a moment during their sessions. I love this idea of freestyle as therapy because I ALeady do it. ALL the time. So it’s like…cheating at therapy. And usually never to be shared, but I liked this one of the latest “little ditties,” from the healing heart of your poly lover flower witch. – AL

Lover, goddess, best friend…I can not believe that you are real, I’m so incredibly thankful that you are! Blessed that you share this journey with me, evolving together has been life changing and I can’t wait to see what our love keeps doing in the world. It’s saved mine. Thank you to all of my friends for all of your love and support! Your love (yes yes you! If you’re reading this, please know that I send you love and feel yours too) is the glue holding me together while I pick up the pieces of my shattered spirit. It’s a lot of pieces, but y’all bless me with a lot of glue.

Love is hard. A wise being named Bala once told me…”you know you’re on your goddess shit when you let yourself want things.” Blew my mind. My existence had been ignoring every feeling in my body to try and convince myself that I have no needs. With Bala’s statement, I learned that I’m not weak for having needs, I am not a bad person for having wants. A key was thrown at my feet which unlocked another cell door of possibilities. Freedom from that corner of the mental jail that I created for myself to survive in a world where needs aren’t met and wants are judged let me realize what I really want and need to feel good.

Love can be hard for me because I need it. And I want it. So badly. Human connection. Understanding. Trust. Intimacy. Comfort. Growth. Patience. Communication. Romance. Fun. Flirting. I want all of that shit!!! And I have it. My partner is a such a sexy superhero. Barak Obama and Whitney Houston had a secret love child who was raised by Beyonce, Meg the Stallion, and Ram Das named Lauren and I am madly in love with her. I could (and often do) go on for days about this goddess.

I struggle with feeling guilty that I date and fall in love with other people (with Lauren’s blessing). Not guilty enough to stay away. For the last year, I loved on one of my old friends who came back after disappearing (in a similar fashion) a few years ago. Right before my pop’s funeral she…just…left again. I don’t understand…so many things, and especially why people can’t talk. I know that everyone leaves. I don’t know why it has to be in such mysterious and painful ways. This person left in a swirl of hurtful words, confusing lies, and left me with even more unanswered questions…which, whatever, I’m not confused over people saying hurtful things when they’re feeling hurt. I’m hurt too, and I said a bunch of mean things because of it. If I didn’t have Netflix, I would be so confused. Why would she tell me she loved me everyday and then treat me like someone she hated? Every movie about marriage in America ever says… You stopped doing what she wanted, how she wanted, when she wanted. She was going to ignore you for long enough to get you to act how she wanted…like last time. How could she go from showing me so much attention to ignoring me overnight? Oh, yes, the classic love bomb. Can’t believe I fell for that shit. But, how could she share so much like she trusted me? Oh yes, the overshare, another classic. Really though, how could she tell me that she didn’t care what I felt, hang up, and never talk to me again? Oh yes, because she’s a dick. Am I not worth problem solving with? I could fix anything if given the chance. It’s not about me at all. Stop fawning little Al, not everything is for you to fix. Especially that relationship. Peace.

That’s why I put up the last post. I’ve know this person for years. The last abandonment mélange that drowned me in depression also…included her leaving. And in the same manner. Fool me once…shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times? I wouldn’t be surprised, I’m a lover and I’m full of forgiveness. NO! I mean, I am but, no. I’m no one’s whipping girl. I deserve real love in all of my close relationships. Not “love” where my past is used a tool to keep me scared and compliant. I’m done focusing on the people who stay, provided I put my nice mask on and tuck my truth deep down low. I’m very done focusing on the people who pull me in so close just to push me all of the way out.

There are so many amazing people in my chosen family who I don’t make as much time as I would like to be with. There is no reason (that aligns with my goals) to keep begging people to love me who can’t. I’m going to love on you all instead.