“What do you do when you don’t know what to do!?” The preacher repeated. I hate organized religion. I would love to live in a world where my people don’t pray to the gods of our conquerors. Why in the world is Christianity even…still…here!? It stole our religions, raped our homelands, threw us in the bottom of a vertical hierarchy, and actively works to maintain the current power structure. Yet here I am, sitting in a room full of sad black people crying to Jesus for answers.
On a regular day, I understand, shake my head, and keep it moving. A religion created to appeal the underdogs, Christianity is perfect for people in oppressed positions. Struggle, work hard, be a good human who listens to authority and follows directions, and then you’ll be rewarded when you die. 😉 God totally promises. Just have faith. Am I the only one that sounds completely absurd to? Why can’t humans see and evolve our understanding of spirit, connection, love, suffering, life, and death?
“Sabrina brought you all here today and now you’re about to get the word, I said what do you do when you don’t know what to do!?” Despite my distain for Christianity, my heart is too sad to fight, so I listen. Clearly the yelling man in front of the grieving crowd has done this many times before. “Good question,” I think, “what the fuck am I going to do?”
He says that first you trust in God. Trust in his plan. Meh, ok I do trust that there are forces at play that I don’t control. I trust that people are people. They’re going to wake up trying to have a good day, feel good, act in their own self interests, succeed sometimes and fail miserably most other times. I trust that everything is always changing. I trust that everyone born will die. I don’t think that’s what the preacher is getting at but, I take away what I take away. So, ok keep yelling.
“Second,” he exclaims, “you recognize that you do not understand.” Preach! Now I feel you. Humans don’t understand shit. That’s why Christianity has made it this far. We love an authority figure who confidently answers the unanswerable. It’s like the eyes of the crowd are pleading, “please someone, something, anything… take the fear and the pain away.”
I can’t. I would rather walk with the chaos, the unknown, and the understanding that there are more levels to consciousness than humans could ever even approach comprehending. So why try understanding these unanswerable questions? Why did they have to die right now? It is impossible for us to know, so it does not matter. How are these boys going to come up from the pain of burying their mother and caretaker? We don’t know, so it does not matter. Where do people go after they die? We don’t know so it does not matter. Am I really hearing and seeing them now that they’re dead or are they figments of my imagination? Again, no one knows, no one can know, so it does not matter. I like admitting that I don’t understand. So what’s left preacher man? What’s the third?
“You ask for help.” The preacher concludes.
Not a bad answer. Not bad at all. Obviously, I do not hold much admiration for the religion of our enslavers. I ALways try to find the joy and lessons in any situation. These weeks were short on joy and long on lessons. You can’t be abandoned by your birth mother as a baby in Chicago in the late 80s and make it to where I am now without learning how to ask for help. Thank you to all of my family and friends for checking on me, sending me so much love, and giving me all the things I need to survive even when I’m too sad to move. Thank you to my ancestors for always hearing your girl’s cries for help. I know they are often. You never leave one word feel unheard, invalid, or unresponded to. I love you so much, I trust you, I don’t understand much besides love, and I will ALways ask for help.
R.I.P. Sabrina
I love you and how fiercely you defend your boys.
I miss you and how sweetly your great me returning home.
I thank you and feel so blessed to have known you on this earth.
R.I.P. Reagan
I love you and how wild and silly your stories and antics are.
I miss you and how safe, joyful, and happy you made our home feel.
I thank you and I feel so blessed to have known you on this earth.
ALways ONE never ALONE 