How do you know when things are no longer serving you? I do so many things to stay sane. Everyday. (Most days). Some of the things I do to maintain feeling fine produce so much conflict in my heart. So much conflict that I wonder sometimes if it would be better to stop trying so hard to be fine. I scare myself when I’m not fine. How I respond to feeling like shit and the consequences that follow don’t match with how I want to treat people and spend my time. I value the things that I do to stay fine because they serve me now and later. The conflict comes when I notice that the things I’m doing to stay fine are harming me, as well as helping me.
All of the things that help me diminish the occurrence and severity of those moments when I’m struggling, come with severe consequences of their own. Consequences that I’m tired of. All of the coping strategies that I do to stay sane (yet still harm me) are to build up those precious moments in time between feeling a stimulus and responding to it. The more time I can create in those moments between being triggered and reacting, the more ability I have to think before I react.
Right now, everything is fine. Better than fine actually, everything seems to be working out in my favor. Today’s bruises and scrapes are minor, especially compared to the ones that left these scars. Nothing to fear today.
Today was a day void of my coping strategies, the harmful/helpful ones. Anything different because of it? My lungs were breathing deep when I ran, that felt awesome. Cool. Plus 1. Conversely, my mind played tricks until I punched a hole into a wall, that didn’t feel awesome. Not cool Al. Minus 1. My Love bearing witness to some of my scarier parts (that she had not previously seen) pulled my soul all the way from my body. Vulnerable and terrified in fractions of a second. Chatter took over, the dream team united. Once united, I did my Al things to get back to as fine as possible (run, shower, write, chill with Simba, chat with friends, and visit My Love). She did her Love things and still made time to check in on me in so many perfect ways. Now, I’m actually thankful for the moments that she’s seen me low. The thing about passion; most people like me when I’m high, and can’t stand me when I’m low. She doesn’t just like me, she loves me in the high moods and the low ones. Her love makes everything better. So much better that I know I can do this little 30 day cleanse. Today I was feeling affected by it. Tomorrow we dance.
ALways ONE never ALONE 