My phone vibrates. It’s a message from my favorite person, “sweet dreams my love,” it says. I read her text as I drift deeper into dreamland. Simba fills the empty pillow to my right. He pops his grey lined chocolate nose out of his dog coil to make eye contact with me, “Simba is not sleeping on the floor pillow tonight, next to your face on your pillows is much better, OK!” He snuggles his nose back into his nook before I can protest. My love is spending the night at her house tonight, so I suppose Simba can sleep on the bed with me. “Goodnight Simba,” I say as I drift even deeper into dreamland.
Morning is here, I am asleep but I can tell that it is almost time to get ready for work because the content of my dreams is now so far from waking reality. In dreamland, I enter a room. In the room, there are roughly a million components of varying shapes and sizes. As my eyes scan over the mass of parts, a faceless voice says, “Al, you must assemble this vehicle, then ride it to Japan before the Plurgs get there. Only then will you be given the keys! Hurry!!!”
“Hell no, wake up Al, we’re going to work.” I shake myself awake. Makes no sense to do all of that work in dreamland just to wake up and have to do more work in the waking world. I look at my phone. 4:44. Perfect. I hate waking up to the sound of alarms, it startles me. I cut off my 5 am alarm. “Hum,” great ideas ALways seem to come to me early in the morning, “16 minutes until I have to get up…my love isn’t here to caress with soft hands and soft kisses…I suppose that’s a recipe to play with my clit.”
I roll onto my back. “Simba,” I try to shake the dog awake, “Simba, get down!” He doesn’t move. My bladder screams at me, “I’M FULL, GO PEE NOW!!!” I oblige.
“You’re going to have to move when I get back,” I scowl at Simba. He doesn’t flinch. I run to the toilet, sit, and start to pee. The immense feeling of relief that usually comes from that first morning pee ends before it begins. As I start to pee, something wet starts hitting my face. I open my eyes and look down.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” I scream at the sight of male genitalia between my legs, pissing all over the place. What the fuck!? I can’t stop peeing. But my parts are not my parts! I’m not about to touch the thing that is peeing all over me and my bathroom. But I would like to get the rest of the pee in the toilet. Every other thought is “what the fuck!?” I try to hold my pee for a second while I impart a moment of acceptance onto myself. “You need to pee, you need to touch this…penis that seems to be attached to you to get the pee in the toilet or you’re going to have to clean up all of your pee…there’s your easy answer Johnson. You’re already covered in pee, just keep letting it go, clean that shit up later, we are not touching this.” I start to pee again, sitting on the toilet, hands by sides, as urine gets everywhere.
It’s hard to think logically when you wake up with a different set of genitalia than the one you went to sleep with. In one mind, I need to figure out how this happened and how to fix it. In the other mind, I need to call off from work and clean the pee up off my floor (and self). I’m bouncing between these thoughts when I start to think of my love. Thank the gods she isn’t here, you never know how people will react to the supernatural. Actually, she’d probably be cool about it. Now, I do wish she was here. I look down and see that my new penis is hard. Tears start flowing from my eyes. I curl up into the fetal position, naked, covered in pee, on the bathroom floor.
The 6 am alarm blasts from the bedroom. I muster the strength to get off the floor and cut the alarm off. I call into work. It is definitely a sick day. I need to find someone who can fix this tragedy and I know where to start. There’s an old lady who lives deep in the swamp. She’s got some powerful magic and hopefully can help me. I know the route from taking a friend there who needed some questions answered earlier in the year. It isn’t far, just hidden. And inaccessible by car. Luckily, my bike tires are full. I figure that I’ll clean up the pee later. I don’t know where my pussy is. Finding and returning her to me takes precedence to hygiene.
Out of habit, I run to my panty drawer, pull out the top pair, step in, and pull them up to my would be lady parts. The penis, now soft from hours of crying, dangles out from the right side of my panties while the balls pop out of each side in the back. “I guess I don’t need panties,” I think as I pull them back down. All of my jeans suddenly look terribly uncomfortable for the new arrangement in my pants. I reach for sweats, a hoodie, shoes, and grab my bike. No time to waste. Needless to say, I love my lady parts, and I need them back now!!!
I run out of the front door with my bike. I swing my leg over the bar and plop my ass down on the seat. With no man panties to cushion and orient my man parts, they all crashed into my bike as I mounted in an alarmingly painful fashion. I think I’m pinching on a nut. I lift up and shift to pull it out and I squish the other one. I start crying again.
Within thirty minutes, I’m deep in the swamp. I pull up at the lady’s shack, it’s surrounded by tall trees. I’m starting to feel relief, help is so close. I hop off my bike. The ground is dark and wet. Cicadas and crickets serenade the otherwise eerie silence. I knock on the door. A shadow moves inside.
“Hello my baby, I’ve been waiting for you!” The lady greats me as soon as she opens the door. “Come, come, follow me.” She beckons me into the dark house.
“Respectfully ma’am, you’ve got me fucked up if you think that I’m about to follow you in there…now! What do you mean you’ve been waiting for me!? Why is it so dark in your house, it’s 7 in the morning!? You don’t have any electricity? Candles? You’re going to have to meet me halfway lady, I need your help but you’ve got to do something to make this situation feel more safe for me, please.” I beg.
“We don’t have time for that darling, you’re going to need to trust me. You want your pretty little pussy back between your legs don’t you?” The lady says.
“Enough said. Which way are we going?” I ask.
“Good girl, right this way,” She says as I follow her into the dark house. She grabs a candle off the wall and lights it. We walk down a short hallway towards a door.
“See my dear, you can’t escape the work by waking up.” She opens the door at the end of the hallway. Each of the unassembled components of the vehicle from my dream was laid out in front of us. “Now,” the lady continues, “you must assemble this vehicle, then ride it to Japan before the Plurgs get there. Only then will you be given the keys! Hurry!!!”
ALways ONE never ALONE 