How many times have you died today? Does it even hurt anymore? Are you addicted to the pain yet? Choosing the devil you know again and again, do you remember who you were before you started letting fear rule your free will? Does the presence of true pleasure and peace make you go mad?
I have been strapped to a broken roller coaster that won’t shut off…up and down and up again for weeks. It is exhausting and I ALways feel like throwing up. Idle hands really are the devil’s plaything. Unemployment stuffs my hands with idle time. I feel the devil pulling at my finger tips. They have so many silly ideas. I spend a good amount of time embellishing in elaborately satisfying fantasies about bringing pain and suffering onto people who have helped me bring it on myself. Especially when looking in mirrors. Do you ever get lost in mirrors?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but once. Every time intuition is ignored, every time needs and desires are sacrificed to conform, every time smiles mask sadness, you die. As you lie. Cats get 9 lives. I wonder how many lives humans get.
There is no SHOULD. There is no SUPPOSED TO. Those are cute little ways to slit your own wrists with self-hate and judgement through out the day. They only exist in our heads because we live in a fucked up society that puts them there to profit from our self inflicted powerlessness. People sit still when they hate themselves. Behave, just behave.
Then I wake up wanting to be so damn bad. Do not do it Johnson. Just run. So I do. Run. Yoga. Breathe in the park. Shower. Walk with Simba. Call a friend. Cook. Eat. Nap. Just like feelings, the thoughts go away, especially when I am busy. Then they all come rushing back. Especially when I stop moving, and I am all ALone.
ALways ONE never ALONE 